Australia vs Pakistan vs The Spirit of the Game

My post on http://sdptk.blogspot.com, August 20, 2010.

Sydney - In a bizarre twist, Cricket Australia has accused Pakistan of undermining the spirit of the game. Acting as Cricket Australia's spokesman and sometimes the president, John Howard released a statement on behalf of Cricket Australia. According to him, Pakistan acted against the spirit of the game in the last Test match the two teams played against each other (Headingley, 21 - 24 July, 2010).

"As self-proclaimed unofficial president of the ICC and Cricket Australia, I, John Howard, would like to point out that Muru... Murril... Marrili... whatever his name is, he is a chucker. I have also received information through Twitter from our most celebrated son Ricky Ponting about the Headingley Test match between our mighty Australians and Pakistan's mismatched bunch of hobknobs.

"The Legend Ponting himself stated that Pakistan had acted against the spirit of the game and hoped that action would be taken against them for this. He stated that an example was made of that one chap from Ceylon who bowled that wide against that other chap from India and that Pakistan should be punished next. However, now that I think about it, that message does seem to be a fair bit longer than Twitter does allow, so I might have read it on Facebook, I don't know."

Howard, who believes that Sri Lanka is still called Ceylon and also that Australia is still a Brittish colony, asked for his fellow ICC board members to act apon the information he has provided them. After waffling on for 15 minutes about how Twitter is more restrictive than Facebook - during this time, the press took it apon themselves to break for lunch - he came to the point the whole press room was waiting for.

Howard claimed that Pakistan's actions were against the "rules and laws of the spirit of the game of cricket" (which is a publication only available in Howard's personal library we suspect) and should be addressed by the ICC. He claimed "Pakistan acted against the rules and laws of the spirit of the game of cricket in the last test. By having a negative attitude towards Australia, they decided that it would be suitable to rather beat us than let us win. It was quite apparent that at least two or maybe even three or four or perhaps even five, but not more than seven or six, were in on this. The whole team shouldn't be punished, but an example should be made of the captain and those involved. I can't tell you who they are, because I battle with foreign names."

When asked to comment on the statements, the ICC's spokesman replied, "We have recently installed Norton Anti-Spam, so we are unable to receive any emails at all except from PharmaMaster. However, should John Howard send us any emails, we trust that Norton's Anti-Spam filter will reject it as it did with his nomination for ICC president.
"We would also like to point out that we are in no way linked to John Howard and any such claims from him will be dealt with by our lawyers. We would also like Mr Howard to return our casserole dish. No if you'll excuse me, I am late for the weekly ICC Board Members' Laser Tag event."

The Pakistan Cricket Board could not be reached for comment as all politicians were requested to be in Parliament for an emergency meeting at the time of going to print.

Ijaz Butt, Conspiracy Theorist

My post on http://sdptk.blogspot.com, September 20, 2010.

In another shocking twist of preschool tit-for-tat, Ijaz Butt has accused the entire English Cricket Board - including its cricketers - of accepting bribes to throw the final One Day International against Pakistan.

"I saw them all accepting bribes. They were all in Karanichas having an aloo paratha, soya prawn breyani and a green tea for the ridiculously low price of £3.99! That's cheaper than a no ball!", said Butt. Quoting some of Ricky Ponting's words, Butt added, "Besides, the only way anyone can lose against our team of 'mismatched bunch of hobknobs' is if it was fixed from the start, or before. I have no knowledge of when a game is fixed."
The scandal broke Sunday night when Ijaz finally got through to a junior reporter after turning off the number sending on his cellphone and pretending to be Angelina Jolie.

When asked if the allegation was legitimate, a hoax or simply a shallow sellout to get publicity for his cousin's company, he merely replied "so's your face". When questioned further, Butt explained in detail how delicious Karanichas' secret sause is and how amazing it is that they haven't gone out of business with prices that low.
The ECB arranged for their spokesman to release a statement to the press in the early hours of yesterday morning in the hideous press box at Lords. However, on arival we were met with locked gates. The meeting was promptly moved to a nearby Tescos because of their hot coffee. The ECB spokesman released the statement, but was missed by the press as the new shipment of October FHMs were delivered at the same time as the press statement and featured "The Inbetweeners Girls" and an article about Megan Fox.

Somebody did catch a bit of the press release on tape and in the recording it was made quite clear that the ECB would not be taking these allegations lightly. "As you might have noticed, the entire board is filled with pensioners and there is no way that any of them can stomach a curry of any strength. They prefer langoustines to prawns anyway". The rest of the recording was drowned out by repeated cries of "look at the knockers on that bird!", so no mention of the cricketers was heard.

Currently suspended cricketers Salman Butt, Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Aamer were unable to be reached as they were busy filming a commercial for bet365.com at the time of going to press.

These are definitely not the "Glory Days"

Liverpoop, England - A sad-faced Roy Hodgson came out of his house to face the music, then promptly chased away a group of carollers on his porch. The probably-soon-to-be-ex-manager of Liverpool has been widely criticised by the media, the Queen, Queen, the Pope, supporters and Ijaz Butt for his team's poor performance. Liverpool hired Hodgson after they had sacked their previous manager after the 2009/10 season after being caught placing a home made paper mache trophy with "Best Effort" written on in crayon inside the club's trophy cabinet.

"Hodgson was hired because of his impeccable credentials", said the club's owner whose name I don't know. "He has many accomplishments under his belt leading up to his employment here. Before joining Liverpool, he won the Premiership 8 times with Manchester United between 1998 and 2010. He has also won the Champions League twice and the FA Cup 4 times. He is by far the most experienced manager that money can buy. During this time, he has also taken York Town from the Conference League to the First Division in three years - an achievement no other manager from any club, English or non-English, can boast about".

The unknown owner who I will now refer to as "Mr Who", went on to boast about Hodgson turning young players such as Ryan Millwall and Jason Underwood into international stars in a few years. But when asked to comment on the fact that all Hodgson's achievements were only fictional as he built his CV around his achievements in the Sierra computer game "Ultimate Soccer Manager 98/99", Mr Who refused to comment.

"However", Mr Who added, "he is rather crap at his job at the moment. So far in the Premier League, Liverpool has only five points from five games, which, as I was told by my lovely personal assistant Tiffany, isn't very good at all. The last time Manchester United started a season with less than six points, was in 1921 when they were on only 3 points after their first game, but comparing Manchester United to Liverpool is like comparing apples and oranges or footballers to waitresses pretending to be footballers".

Mr Who didn't make it clear if it was Manchester United or Liverpool who were the apples, oranges, footballers or waitresses pretending to be footballers.

After being kicked out of the tournament formerly known as the League Cup last night, where the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince sang the FA's theme song from Abba's 1976 album "Arrival", "Money, Money, Money", Hodgson met the press for his views. "It's a major setback for the club. This will now make it more difficult for us to win the [Carling] cup from here, but we will go back to the drawing board and improve on every aspect of our game. We gave it our best, but it wasn't good enough. Obviously it's disappointing, catches win matches but you also need to put runs on the board". After reading from the Ravi Shastri Book of Interview Responses, he signalled the end of the interview by throwing his glass of ice water on a journalist and swatting at a photographer.

Supporters weren't too impressed with Rafa Benitez's lack of trophies over the years, but it is only a matter of time before Liverpool's current manager Roy Hodgson finds himself walking alone one the boulevard of broken dreams.

And upon hearing Mr Who say "...the best...that money can buy", Manchester City's owners quickly bought the island of Manhattan, the QE2 and the toothbrush fence in New Zealand.

Ijaz Butt, Conspiracy Theorist

In another shocking twist of preschool tit-for-tat, Ijaz Butt has accused the entire English Cricket Board - including its cricketers - of accepting bribes to throw the final One Day International against Pakistan.

"I saw them all accepting bribes. They were all in Karanichas having an aloo paratha, soya prawn breyani and a green tea for the ridiculously low price of £3.99! That's cheaper than a no ball!", said Butt. Quoting some of Ricky Ponting's words, Butt added, "Besides, the only way anyone can lose against our team of 'mismatched bunch of hobknobs' is if it was fixed from the start, or before. I have no knowledge of when a game is fixed."

The scandal broke Sunday night when Ijaz finally got through to a junior reporter after turning off the number sending on his cellphone and pretending to be Angelina Jolie.

When asked if the allegation was legitimate, a hoax or simply a shallow sellout to get publicity for his cousin's company, he merely replied "so's your face". When questioned further, Butt explained in detail how delicious Karanichas' secret sause is and how amazing it is that they haven't gone out of business with prices that low.

The ECB arranged for their spokesman to release a statement to the press in the early hours of yesterday morning in the hideous press box at Lords. However, on arival we were met with locked gates. The meeting was promptly moved to a nearby Tescos because of their hot coffee. The ECB spokesman released the statement, but was missed by the press as the new shipment of October FHMs were delivered at the same time as the press statement and featured "The Inbetweeners Girls" and an article about Megan Fox.

Somebody did catch a bit of the press release on tape and in the recording it was made quite clear that the ECB would not be taking these allegations lightly. "As you might have noticed, the entire board is filled with pensioners and there is no way that any of them can stomach a curry of any strength. They prefer langoustines to prawns anyway". The rest of the recording was drowned out by repeated cries of "look at the knockers on that bird!", so no mention of the cricketers was heard.

Currently suspended cricketers Salman Butt, Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Aamer were unable to be reached as they were busy filming a commercial for bet365.com at the time of going to press.

Australia vs Pakistan vs The Spirit of the Game

Sydney - In a bizarre twist, Cricket Australia has accused Pakistan of undermining the spirit of the game. Acting as Cricket Australia's spokesman and sometimes the president, John Howard released a statement on behalf of Cricket Australia. According to him, Pakistan acted against the spirit of the game in the last Test match the two teams played against each other (Headingley, 21 - 24 July, 2010).

"As self-proclaimed unofficial president of the ICC and Cricket Australia, I, John Howard, would like to point out that Muru... Murril... Marrili... whatever his name is, he is a chucker. I have also received information through Twitter from our most celebrated son Ricky Ponting about the Headingley Test match between our mighty Australians and Pakistan's mismatched bunch of hobknobs.

"The Legend Ponting himself stated that Pakistan had acted against the spirit of the game and hoped that action would be taken against them for this. He stated that an example was made of that one chap from Ceylon who bowled that wide against that other chap from India and that Pakistan should be punished next. However, now that I think about it, that message does seem to be a fair bit longer than Twitter does allow, so I might have read it on Facebook, I don't know."

Howard, who believes that Sri Lanka is still called Ceylon and also that Australia is still a Brittish colony, asked for his fellow ICC board members to act apon the information he has provided them. After waffling on for 15 minutes about how Twitter is more restrictive than Facebook - during this time, the press took it apon themselves to break for lunch - he came to the point the whole press room was waiting for.

Howard claimed that Pakistan's actions were against the "rules and laws of the spirit of the game of cricket" (which is a publication only available in Howard's personal library we suspect) and should be addressed by the ICC. He claimed "Pakistan acted against the rules and laws of the spirit of the game of cricket in the last test. By having a negative attitude towards Australia, they decided that it would be suitable to rather beat us than let us win. It was quite apparent that at least two or maybe even three or four or perhaps even five, but not more than seven or six, were in on this. The whole team shouldn't be punished, but an example should be made of the captain and those involved. I can't tell you who they are, because I battle with foreign names."

When asked to comment on the statements, the ICC's spokesman replied, "We have recently installed Norton Anti-Spam, so we are unable to receive any emails at all except from PharmaMaster. However, should John Howard send us any emails, we trust that Norton's Anti-Spam filter will reject it as it did with his nomination for ICC president.

"We would also like to point out that we are in no way linked to John Howard and any such claims from him will be dealt with by our lawyers. We would also like Mr Howard to return our casserole dish. No if you'll excuse me, I am late for the weekly ICC Board Members' Laser Tag event."

The Pakistan Cricket Board could not be reached for comment as all politicians were requested to be in Parliament for an emergency meeting at the time of going to print.

Official bandwagon jump

Yes, he only got fifty. Yes, the shot that he got out to was hot-headed and a bit reckless considering the team situation. Yes, he's only 19 and has barely started his Test career. But I'm jumping onto the Umar Akmal bandwagon. Perhaps jumping isn't the correct -ing verb - more of a tentative step. However, here I am.

What really impressed me about this kid was the way he played the short ball once he'd been hit. Other nebulaic players lacking in stature like JP Duminy and Phil Hughes have been shown to be vulnerable to short-pitched bowling. Not Umar. Once he'd been clonked on the helmet by a ball that stayed down, he decided that he'd show off a few shots. Out came the pull, out came the hook, out came the hoick, out came the leg-glance and the glide to third man. And before the audience could blink, up came the half-century. Sadly he couldn't go on with it today, but there's always the second innings, and many more innings to follow with such obvious talent as this.

There, Samrain, are you happy now? Have I worshipped your hero enough? Or would you like a few more adjective-laden paragraphs?

Well

Well, well, well. Where can one start? As is well-known, there is a lot of cricket played these days. If an Ashes Test isn't on, it's a World Cup ODI final, a crucial IPL group match or a thrilling battle between Ireland and Bangladesh. There is always something on. Usually, the duty of a cricket fan is to watch the match that is currently the most entertaining, while keeping an eye on the scorecard of the other three or four.

However, over the past few days, we've been spoiled. Dreadfully spoiled. Like a gazelle who has just noticed three different lions on three different hills, my eyes have been rapidly dashing between the close fought tussles in Sri Lanka's ODI series in India, the intriguing spin battle in England's first Test in South Africa and the ferocious and often downright nasty stand-off between Australia and the West Indies. We'll all need a cricket holiday after this, although with the series just started in South Africa and a long summer ahead in Australia respite seems very far off.

Firstly, the Perth Test. We probably haven't seen so much bad blood in a Test match since the infamous SCG game versus India in 07/08. This hasn't quite got down to a public mud-slinging match, but it's had its fair share of controversial claimed catches (and run-outs), verbal send-offs and pushing and shoving. Needless to say, it hasn't been played in the correct spirit (especially in my perhaps not-quite-objective eyes by the Aussies), but I must ask a question - is this just what Test cricket needed? Is this just what West Indian cricket needed? The Windies have shown in the past two matches that they care desperately, firstly because of the barrage of bagging from the media after Brisbane, but even more so after the behaviour of Ponting, Watson and Haddin in this match. Nobody wants to throw away their wicket to the enemy, for enemy the opposition have become. No longer does it seem a rivals on, mates off relationship between the teams. Both want blood, and Kemar Roach nearly had it with his bowling to Ricky Ponting on the first day.

Now, as the match and series is on the eve of a finish, what a finish it could be. 51 runs to win for the West Indies after a brilliant bowling performance yesterday and a feisty showing from Deonarine, Nash and the tail in the final innings. Australia need just the one wicket. Even if the men from the Caribbean lose the final wicket without a run added tomorrow, they must be applauded for coming such a long way from conceding 520/7, from the three-day innings defeat in Brisbane, from the player strike and the series loss to Bangladesh. I think it's the appropriate Australian thing to do to commend them for standing up to their critics and showing the world that the West Indies is far from a side resigned to extinction. And for me, I'll be cheering every ball Roach and Tonge face tomorrow with even more passion as I cheered Anderson and Panesar's last wicket stand in Cardiff, and Duminy and Steyn's partnership in Melbourne. Go on, boys, get as many as you can and hold your heads high.

Phew, some passion was released in that last paragraph. Let me get my breath back. Where was I? Of course, on a mental plane to South Africa where Graeme Swann and Paul Harris are busy demonstrating that finger spin is most certainly not a lesser form of bowling. In a perfect world, either one will get the Man of the Match honours mattering on who wins this fascinating match, but in truth it will probably go to some batsman who scores a valuable 50 and gets out, or Jacques Kallis for his hundred on what was a pretty flat pitch first day. Batsmen always have the edge in this sort of game. Except maybe Bell, who might just have played his last Test innings yesterday and robbed England supporters of a good few more years of ranting at the selection panel.

But Swann is the man for me - fifer and top scoring in England's second innings with an 81-ball 85? Digging them out of a deep, deep hole and giving them a sniff of a chance? Two switch-hits that made KP's version in previous instances look like something that Murali might do? Brilliant tweets to keep us all entertained in the few seconds that a cricket match isn't happening somewhere? What a guy, is all I can say. WAG! However, my other favourite cricketer (AB de Villiers) is currently doing a good job of digging South Africa out of a hole of their own. They were 4/48 at one stage, just over 100 runs ahead on an admittedly dodgy pitch, but he's batting at a strike rate of over 70 and is closing in on his half century, slowly but surely pushing this game out of England's grasp.

Finally, the series I've probably been following less closely than the other two, merely due to the fact that it's not my favourite format and it clashes rather horribly with my timezone - the series between India and Sri Lanka. South Africa would have been proud of the way Sri Lanka managed to choke in the first game, losing by four runs when they'd been cruising for most of the match. The game, as I understand, had the second highest number of runs scored in it in total since the epic 434 match at the Wanderers. That may not be true. I might have completely fabricated that piece of information; it wouldn't be the first time. Always thought I would have made it alongside the likes of Donald Rumsfeld in government.

Anyway, in the second match Sri Lanka narrowly avoided the choke with Matthews recovering their cause from a late collapse to make Dilshan's effort good. 1-1 and two of the best LOI openers in cricket of any form on display in Sehwag and Dilshan. If I find a way to live without sleeping, I'll be giving this series my full attention.

All I can say is, long live cricket.