These are definitely not the "Glory Days"

Liverpoop, England - A sad-faced Roy Hodgson came out of his house to face the music, then promptly chased away a group of carollers on his porch. The probably-soon-to-be-ex-manager of Liverpool has been widely criticised by the media, the Queen, Queen, the Pope, supporters and Ijaz Butt for his team's poor performance. Liverpool hired Hodgson after they had sacked their previous manager after the 2009/10 season after being caught placing a home made paper mache trophy with "Best Effort" written on in crayon inside the club's trophy cabinet.

"Hodgson was hired because of his impeccable credentials", said the club's owner whose name I don't know. "He has many accomplishments under his belt leading up to his employment here. Before joining Liverpool, he won the Premiership 8 times with Manchester United between 1998 and 2010. He has also won the Champions League twice and the FA Cup 4 times. He is by far the most experienced manager that money can buy. During this time, he has also taken York Town from the Conference League to the First Division in three years - an achievement no other manager from any club, English or non-English, can boast about".

The unknown owner who I will now refer to as "Mr Who", went on to boast about Hodgson turning young players such as Ryan Millwall and Jason Underwood into international stars in a few years. But when asked to comment on the fact that all Hodgson's achievements were only fictional as he built his CV around his achievements in the Sierra computer game "Ultimate Soccer Manager 98/99", Mr Who refused to comment.

"However", Mr Who added, "he is rather crap at his job at the moment. So far in the Premier League, Liverpool has only five points from five games, which, as I was told by my lovely personal assistant Tiffany, isn't very good at all. The last time Manchester United started a season with less than six points, was in 1921 when they were on only 3 points after their first game, but comparing Manchester United to Liverpool is like comparing apples and oranges or footballers to waitresses pretending to be footballers".

Mr Who didn't make it clear if it was Manchester United or Liverpool who were the apples, oranges, footballers or waitresses pretending to be footballers.

After being kicked out of the tournament formerly known as the League Cup last night, where the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince sang the FA's theme song from Abba's 1976 album "Arrival", "Money, Money, Money", Hodgson met the press for his views. "It's a major setback for the club. This will now make it more difficult for us to win the [Carling] cup from here, but we will go back to the drawing board and improve on every aspect of our game. We gave it our best, but it wasn't good enough. Obviously it's disappointing, catches win matches but you also need to put runs on the board". After reading from the Ravi Shastri Book of Interview Responses, he signalled the end of the interview by throwing his glass of ice water on a journalist and swatting at a photographer.

Supporters weren't too impressed with Rafa Benitez's lack of trophies over the years, but it is only a matter of time before Liverpool's current manager Roy Hodgson finds himself walking alone one the boulevard of broken dreams.

And upon hearing Mr Who say "...the best...that money can buy", Manchester City's owners quickly bought the island of Manhattan, the QE2 and the toothbrush fence in New Zealand.

Ijaz Butt, Conspiracy Theorist

In another shocking twist of preschool tit-for-tat, Ijaz Butt has accused the entire English Cricket Board - including its cricketers - of accepting bribes to throw the final One Day International against Pakistan.

"I saw them all accepting bribes. They were all in Karanichas having an aloo paratha, soya prawn breyani and a green tea for the ridiculously low price of £3.99! That's cheaper than a no ball!", said Butt. Quoting some of Ricky Ponting's words, Butt added, "Besides, the only way anyone can lose against our team of 'mismatched bunch of hobknobs' is if it was fixed from the start, or before. I have no knowledge of when a game is fixed."

The scandal broke Sunday night when Ijaz finally got through to a junior reporter after turning off the number sending on his cellphone and pretending to be Angelina Jolie.

When asked if the allegation was legitimate, a hoax or simply a shallow sellout to get publicity for his cousin's company, he merely replied "so's your face". When questioned further, Butt explained in detail how delicious Karanichas' secret sause is and how amazing it is that they haven't gone out of business with prices that low.

The ECB arranged for their spokesman to release a statement to the press in the early hours of yesterday morning in the hideous press box at Lords. However, on arival we were met with locked gates. The meeting was promptly moved to a nearby Tescos because of their hot coffee. The ECB spokesman released the statement, but was missed by the press as the new shipment of October FHMs were delivered at the same time as the press statement and featured "The Inbetweeners Girls" and an article about Megan Fox.

Somebody did catch a bit of the press release on tape and in the recording it was made quite clear that the ECB would not be taking these allegations lightly. "As you might have noticed, the entire board is filled with pensioners and there is no way that any of them can stomach a curry of any strength. They prefer langoustines to prawns anyway". The rest of the recording was drowned out by repeated cries of "look at the knockers on that bird!", so no mention of the cricketers was heard.

Currently suspended cricketers Salman Butt, Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Aamer were unable to be reached as they were busy filming a commercial for bet365.com at the time of going to press.