Ijaz Butt, Conspiracy Theorist

In another shocking twist of preschool tit-for-tat, Ijaz Butt has accused the entire English Cricket Board - including its cricketers - of accepting bribes to throw the final One Day International against Pakistan.

"I saw them all accepting bribes. They were all in Karanichas having an aloo paratha, soya prawn breyani and a green tea for the ridiculously low price of £3.99! That's cheaper than a no ball!", said Butt. Quoting some of Ricky Ponting's words, Butt added, "Besides, the only way anyone can lose against our team of 'mismatched bunch of hobknobs' is if it was fixed from the start, or before. I have no knowledge of when a game is fixed."

The scandal broke Sunday night when Ijaz finally got through to a junior reporter after turning off the number sending on his cellphone and pretending to be Angelina Jolie.

When asked if the allegation was legitimate, a hoax or simply a shallow sellout to get publicity for his cousin's company, he merely replied "so's your face". When questioned further, Butt explained in detail how delicious Karanichas' secret sause is and how amazing it is that they haven't gone out of business with prices that low.

The ECB arranged for their spokesman to release a statement to the press in the early hours of yesterday morning in the hideous press box at Lords. However, on arival we were met with locked gates. The meeting was promptly moved to a nearby Tescos because of their hot coffee. The ECB spokesman released the statement, but was missed by the press as the new shipment of October FHMs were delivered at the same time as the press statement and featured "The Inbetweeners Girls" and an article about Megan Fox.

Somebody did catch a bit of the press release on tape and in the recording it was made quite clear that the ECB would not be taking these allegations lightly. "As you might have noticed, the entire board is filled with pensioners and there is no way that any of them can stomach a curry of any strength. They prefer langoustines to prawns anyway". The rest of the recording was drowned out by repeated cries of "look at the knockers on that bird!", so no mention of the cricketers was heard.

Currently suspended cricketers Salman Butt, Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Aamer were unable to be reached as they were busy filming a commercial for bet365.com at the time of going to press.